Thursday, February 17, 2011

Valentine's Day, measles, and why I almost went postal

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I don't know what it was like when you were a kid, but when I was school, Valentine's Day was about cards and cupcakes.  Maybe a little bit of candy, but overall a day of showing that you could write your classmates names on the outside of tiny envelopes.  My oh my, how things have changed.

My oldest two peeps aren't even four yet, but Valentine's Day is a huge production.  As we learned last year, cards simply aren't good enough anymore.  There must be a piece of candy, crayon, or keys to a new car attached to the card as well.  Giving a card without a small gift attached must be considered "gauche", which is the only reason I have for what one parent was so kind to give with her child's cards.

First, the disclaimer.  Yes, I was BAD MOMMY for not going through the bag to see what they brought home.  My bad, and I have paid for it.  

You see one parent thought it was a great idea to give these:

Yes, STAMPS.  With that red ink that will be living with the cockroaches after we nuke everyone off the planet.  Imagine my surprise when my kids came out looking like they had a serious skin condition that made having the measles look like a day in the park.  (And by the way, it was on their face too.  My twins looked like something that belonged in the circus.)

This was one of my boys after a thorough scrubbing that also served as the equivalent of a spa approved sandblasting.  They went to school the next day looking like this and I was only so grateful to find out the CDC wasn't called to investigate the mysterious blotches.

After scrubbing them off, I had several mini strokes as I walked from room to room to find out what else had been violated.  It was as if street artist Banksy had been in my house, yet the art was worth zilch.  (Sorry folks, the brain strokes were keeping me from seeing straight enough to get any pictures of the defiled house contents.)  I'm convinced that if I drove to the offending parent's house and stabbed her senseless with a dull knife, I know I would have been found not guilty as long as there was one mom on the jury.

At least with the help of my handy dandy, super solvent, remove the paint off your car, but don't use it on your hair "Aqua Net", I was able to get it rubbed out of the carpet enough so now it actually looks like part of the design.

Oh yeah, here's what I learned:

  • Trust, but verify.
  • Some parents don't have enough of the common sense part of the brain to function properly.
  • Aqua Net is still one of my best friends

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